To Find What You were Meant To Do In This Life Time
I keep having this inner dialogue and it just won’t go away. I am at a stage that I think I’m not alone in for my age group. In these late 40’s I wonder, am I living my life to its full potential? When I was a young girl I used to think” My life will begin when I get married.” My parents were not supportive of young women moving out on their own, and I never dared talk back to them. I just simply accepted their rules. I had very little drive, no confidence in myself and why would I? I never had to work while I lived at home. My father just did not want me to work as a young girl. But later of course I would have to. ” Just graduate from anything.” While he meant well to take care of me and treat me like a little princess, it was almost crippling because when I did finally get my first job at 20, I was very stressed feeling that I was not very competent.
I was without drive or direction ( and I wasn’t even a millennial). My best friend in college ( who is still my dear friend today) was also an exploratory student. So as we sat in class one day, a visitor came to talk to our group about how great teaching was. I always had fond memories of my elementary years, and so I thought great, I’ll do it! I never went into teaching thinking I would just do a mediocre job. I really did care whether kids were understanding my lessons and wanted to feel that because of me they had strengthened academically and personally. Teaching was such a dream job when I started. It was fun and there simply was no rush in the day. Teachers were appreciated as the caregivers and mentors that spent more time with the children than their parents did. But then teaching took a turn I was not okay with. The expectations but on teachers without putting the same expectations on the students and parents created a lot of anxiety in me. I was lost again.
As a matter of fact, I am lost again, which causes a lot of anxiety with in. While I work with my husband, I feel the people who are interested in talking to him on a business level value him, but only accept me. They don’t see me as an owner, though I am. My husband has always known exactly what he’s wanted to do, has had a strong work ethic and has pretty much conquered the world. I truly admire him along with the many other people that figure out early in life what they want to do. That probably gets lost on them. It’s peace taken for granted. The other part of the truth is that this business is his passion, not mine. I enjoy some of it, but not most of it.
So as of late, I’ve been reflecting. What positive contributions have I made in this lifetime? What are my accomplishments? I really struggle with this. How can I make a positive mark on my community. If I could do ANYTHING of my choosing, what would it be? I don’t know why I’m so afraid of voicing it. My insecurities are a massive obstacle. I would be crushed if people thought it was silly, though a very quiet whisper inside says it’s brilliant. I need to hear that voice clearly.
Grandma Moses, Vera Wang, Van Gogh and Martha Stuart all Started Their Careers Late in Life.
I guess the saying goes, “It’s never too late.” Interestingly, my husband is away and I am left to tend business on my own. I met a lovely woman who is now retired and she had the same interests I do. I felt comfortable enough to share a little of my ” dream business” with her and her feedback was positive. The timing of her walking in was something I could not dismiss because I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and here she walked in and was on a very similar path. I got a lot of comfort talking to her. I’m a person of faith, and I feel watched over. Her timing was a positive sign noted.
To be continued…
Progress Post note: Day 104
I slipped up last weekend but I’m back at it again. 152.8
Updated 9/25 to 151.0 so back on track!