“Beauty Light”

I don’t care if you think I’m weird

Just cause I don’t fit your def of

What beauty ought to be

It’s not  pink lipstick, or high heels

Treated hair and what I wear

I can always do that stuff, but it’s just not me, I don’t care

And when I’m good and ready

I’ll find someone free of thinking that way,

cause he’ll see where my beauty really plays

deep inside of me, and it’s simple and free

I won’t get tangled in fighting the rhythm of time

While all the ladies struggle and fight to keep their shine

they’ve mistaken all these years for the falseness of beauty

Then I’ll be the one they wish they could be, cause I’ve always been me.

Inside I’m beauty and love, strength and peace

And time can’t deteriorate that, it will never cease.

I’ll pass it on to my girls, created in love

Don’t get caught up in trying to please and compete

Your beauty will shine through and defeat

the idea of what it should be

And you’ll lead others to rethink and redefine

Then I’ll know I’ve done right by you,

because my ” beauty light” will have shined through.

 

 

 

 

 

Finding Beauty in the Oddest of Places

Waiting room

Have you ever been in a waiting room where someone with a physical impairment may be grunting and making sounds? I realized the other day I have become numb to others around me and I was awakened to it by two beautiful beings. I was in a waiting  in physical therapy and it was just me and a young fellow in his late 20’s I would say. He had a walker. I hid behind my cell phone playing games to avoid interaction. I thought about it but did not know how. It seemed difficult and it made me uncomfortable. Then a woman ( in her 60’s) came in and sat next to him and said, “Hello,” he slurred back, “Hello.” She said, “I like your shirt.” He slurred back with a stutter this time, “I like y y your necklace.” Then she said thank you and extended her hand, “My name is Nancy.” My name is Gregory. They made small conversation back and forth and then her elderly mother came out with a smile pushing her walker, she said goodbye and left.  I smiled at Gregory and thought to told myself “I am an awful person.”

Then another beautiful being came in and sat next to Gregory. This time a man in his late sixties I would guess.  ” Hey man, what are you in for?” ” I I I have traumatic brain injury, I have a plate inside my head th th th that broke.” The man continued to talk with Gregory and share what his injury was. It went back and forth, so I finally jumped into the conversation. ” Gregory, you need to talk to my mom.  She’s in there right now, and she’s complaining about it.” He said, when I got here, I was in a scooter.  I I I could not walk. And now I can.” My mom is 81, she came out sat down next to me and said, ” I don’t want to come back here.” She was like a little girl throwing a tantrum.  I said, ” Mom, meet Gregory. You need to be more like him.”

The experience was an eye opener for me.  I’m not new to the discomfort people feel when others around them don’t look or act a certain way. My father was a double amputee and my childhood memories hold how people used to first react to him as he came into a restaurant or special event. To this day when I see someone missing a limb, I give direct eye contact and a smile and a few words. But that’s because I have experience with it. But when people have a different disadvantage, such as the one in the waiting room, I hide, look the other way, go into denial. What an ugly thing to do.  If I just think  to myself, that could be my father, mother, etc, I would not want people to ignore, turn away. I’d want them to be treated humanely and be given a chance, like these two individuals did with Gregory.

When I started this blog I thought how much I want to change the way I see beauty, and it all started because I can feel myself getting to 50 and heading to a whole new phase. Up to now, I was confusing Beauty- (something deep, rich, like an intricate painting with all kinds of stokes provoking thought and emotion) with pretty ( shallow, predictable, unilateral). I used to think Beauty was something that fades with time. It does not! Beauty is something you find with time.  Those two individuals were to examples of what Beauty looks like.  They could have easily hid in a magazine or phone. They did not. Instead they took the time to share and show compassion.

 

Post Note: Day 306 Honestly have not been to gym in 2 weeks but holding to 146.8. I think Gregory would kick my butt at the gym. I can be motivated by someone like him! Another Beautiful Being!

Just Because Everyone Says It’s OK…

Image result for Pictures self worth

One woman reached out to total strangers on a health/weight loss site social chat. Normally one would post, who is having trouble with getting to the gym, or reaching this goal weight. But she stated it was her anniversary, and in 6 weeks she would be having a baby, but caught her husband with porn. He had promised to stop, but he did not follow through with his promise. The replies poured in…” Porn is natural.”” Pornography is not anything to worry about.” “If watching porn upsets you, then there may be a deeper issue on your end.” “Well look at it this way, at least he’s just looking at porn, and not hiring hookers.” ” Maybe indulge with him in some of these fantasies.” Of course there was another side to the responses. The ones I tend to align with.  I wonder if these women ever held their new borns and thought, ” I can’t wait till you grow up to be a porn star, or stripper.”

How have we come to justify pornography and sex on the big screen? The excuse tends to be ” Oh, they are artists, and they are portraying the story line because if we don’t see the strip club, or the complete physical act of sex in the scene, we may not understand the story line…” Yes, of course I am being sarcastic. How come ( AND NOT THAT I WANT THIS- this is only a question) we never see normal people engaging in sex on the screen? Because it simply wouldn’t generate money.

I remember having a conversation with a friend about ten years ago now.  She was having problems with her husband.  Her husband was ” friends” with a woman who was being very flirtatious and even showed her boobs at a party. The husband said my friend was making way too big a deal of it. My friend explained to me , and her husband, that she did not want him fantasizing about her while engaging intimately with each other in their bedroom.  That made sense to me. It wasn’t porn, but his attention was drawn to someone else, not his wife. And the same thing goes with porn as far as I’m concerned. How have we set the bar so low in our relationships to allow our spouses to engage in this behavior? I did some research to get some outside input on this and there are other harsher views on pornography leading to violence towards women. If anything else it’s demeaning to women- our mothers, sisters, daughters, friends.

It is so difficult being a woman in today’s times.( And being an aging woman is one big party!) There is so much pressure to balance what we look like, our employment status, raising and nurturing our families, our spouses. I really felt hurt for the woman who reached out on the chat, and hope she can draw strength from family and friends, and see if she can get through to her husband on why this has hurt her so much. Just because people dismiss this issue as women being overly sensitive, and porn is ok, does not make it ok. OK?! Just like shortening the word doesn’t make it cute.

The movie Embrace is dedicated to getting to the bottom of why many  women feel badly about their bodies. I have only seen the trailer, but I know I identify with a lot of women out there that doubt their beauty because of the exterior ( their perception of their bodies).  I think it has something to do not only with all the model types that are put out there in  fashion magazines and movies for us to emulate, but the casual way sex is viewed, how movies and tv portray it, and how people are willing to sell out their diginity for it. In my opinion we need to hold ourselves in high esteem.  Too much emphasis is placed on looks and being “sexy.” Nothing to do with BEAUTY.

Personally I am on a journey ( Day 271). I decided to make more time to care for myself mostly so that I don’t feel uncomfortable in a room full of women at social events. ( There was an event that stirred up a lot of hurt, and the only person that could resolve it was me.) I am thankful for a great marriage of ten years now, (my second marriage) in which we hold each other in high esteem, and I value that. I value him! If you are a person about to take on marriage, make sure you’re willing to put each other on the highest level of respect, because if not, what’s the point? Give your spouse and family value and more importantly give yourself, self worth so that you CAN value those close to you. And look inside for BEAUTY because what we look like is such a small piece of who we are.

Progress Post Note-Day 272- Realizing that eating healthier is also good for my brain chemicals, skin and nails. Going into the closet makes it easier to COME OUT OF THE CLOSET now that things fit better. And I’m having a little fun too! Got lashes two weeks ago. Loving them! I am revisiting my faith and  trying new exercises. There are a lot more positives in my life!

A good point from Embrace is that our bodies are not ornaments, but vehicles.  I want to  explore that more within myself and look forward to making some quiet time to view it and reflect. Stay tuned.